Paula Deen Knows How “That Black Football Player” Who Just Came Out Feels

It feels like it was just yesterday when Paula Deen’s deep fried butter kingdom melted into a giant puddle that she snorted up to handle with the pain of losing endorsement deal after endorsement deal. It was actually kind of was yesterday, but Paula has already screamed at Jellyroll to fill that Comeback Train with coal, because she’s ready to choo choo along. Paula has a new company with a $75 million investment, a new restaurant next to Dollywood in Tennessee and she spilled her lard-filled heart to People (via The Wrap) about how she’s ready to come back and doesn’t want to be seen as an N-word hurling mess who longs for glory days of slavery.

Paula said that she knows how “that black football player” (uh, she’s talking about Michael Sam) feels, because he just wants to be known as a football player instead of a “gay” football player and she just wants to be known as a humanized artery clog instead of a “disgraced” humanized artery clog. Hold on, because Paula’s Comeback Train is coming into the Fuckery Station at full speed:

“I feel like ‘embattled’ or ‘disgraced’ will always follow my name. It’s like that black football player who recently came out. He said, ‘I just want to be known as a football player. I don’t want to be known as a gay football player.’ I know exactly what he’s saying. I’m fighting to get my name back.”

The hell is Paula going on about? The Surgeon General needs to put a label on every box of butter warning people that mainlining that stuff will make you spit out nonsense like that. Yes, comparing her situation to that of a football player coming out and calling him “that black football player” is a really good idea when you’re trying to scrub your reputation. Well, at least she’s didn’t call him, “that queer negro football player,” so progress!

Paula went on to say that she empathizes with Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty:

“It’s amazing that some people are given passes and some people are crucified. I have new empathy for these situations, though. My dad always told me, ‘Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.'”

The drama. Paula still has ten mountains of money, her cruise sold out, she still has a legion of fans who worship at her buttery hooves and just the other day I was in KMart and some lady picked up a Paula Deen pot and said, “Poor Paula, she got it bad,” before putting that shit in her cart. And to answer the question in your head, yes, that lady in KMart was wearing burnt orange capris and rattan wedge flip-flops. Isn’t that where every Paula Deen fan wears?!