Your Gold Digger Game Is Showing, Brett Rossi

February 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Someone needs to sit down with Charlie Sheen’s porn star fiancé (that sounds like an unpopular Vivid title) Brett Rossi, and school her on the subtleties of gold digging, because homegirl is coming across a little sloppy. Brett must have skipped the class at Make Dat Money University where you learn that a good gold digger lets the steam cool on her 24K crack rock before holding your hand out and demanding more, because Radar says she’s already begging for a two decades worth of paycheques in the form of a baby:

“Brett wants to start a family with Charlie immediately,” an insider tells Radar. “She doesn’t want to wait to have kids, and thinks Charlie will be an amazing father.”

Sheen is already a father of six. But in the midst of the custody drama surrounding his twins with ex-wife Brooke Mueller, Max and Bob, Sheen “isn’t quite ready to become a father for the sixth time,” the source explains. “He definitely wants kids with Brett, but he doesn’t want to rush into it. This is the one thing they can’t seem to agree on!”

Jesus, it’s Clickety Clack, not Stompity Stomp, Brett; if you want #datmoney you need to play it smart and play it quiet. First you tell Charlie you want kids, but “Way, way in the future” and make that hand gesture that looks like you’re swatting away money. Then you let some time pass; typically 3-5 months, but I bet Charlie’s crack-fried cockroach brain is no longer able to comprehend the passing of time, so you could just wait 3-5 weeks. During this time, stop taking birth control and start practicing your best “Whoopsies, I’m pregnant!!” face in the mirror. There you go, you just won the 18-year-long lottery.

And the sad thing is, I have never dug for gold in my life and yet I’m already a million times better at it than a porn star. Get your shit together and stop being so obvious, Brett Rossi, or you’ll find yourself pawning that engagement ring to pay for your portion of the rent on the Studio City bachelor apartment you share with the Goddesses.

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