Alternate title: Nicolas Cage is going to be somebody’s grandpa.
At the Kasem Cares Foundation’s First Annual Fundraiser in Beverly Hills on Saturday night, Weston Cage’s second wife Danielle showed up with a whole lot of fetus in her body and they both let Closer Weekly know that in just a few months a newborn boy is going to open his eyes and see that his father looks like the lowest-rated Khal Drogo impersonator on Yelp. The newborn boy will close his little eyelids hoping that it’s all just a nightmare and when he opens them again, he’ll see the face of his pepaw Nicolas Cage who will probably scream, “NOT THE DROOLZ,” every time he gets the slobbers.
Danielle said that they’re having a boy and they didn’t plan on becoming parents, but they embrace all of it. 23-year-old Weston dribbled this out about his dad’s reaction.
“He was ecstatic. His reaction was one of pure joy and bliss. Family is very important to us. My father and I actually speak everyday and Danielle and I texted him the ultrasound photograph which was actually confirmation of what we thought.”
Nicolas Cage is filled all the way to the top with the crazies, but being his grandchild might be fun for a quick second since he owns a castle (or did the bank snatch that shit away too?) and most of his houses probably look like the Medieval section of the SkyMall catalog took a wet, messy shit on a Medieval Times. And even though Weston Cage got arrested for allegedly drunkenly brawling with his first wife two years ago, buys all of his clothes in the sale section of a Hot Topic, wears more Urban Decay make-up than a 10th grader circa 1999 and can’t even win a fight against his babysitter, maybe being his son won’t be that awful (yes, it will be). Maybe being surrounded by all that fuckery and craziness will make that kid normal. He’s totally going to be the Marilyn of the family.
I don’t know why Danielle and Weston didn’t expect for her to get knocked up after they bareback fucked. I mean, Weston can serve up some hot karate kicking moves, so of course his jizz fish are going to karate kick into any ovary egg they come in contact with.