I suppose now she’ll want us to change her name to Ariana Grande Soy Latte. Ugh, do you know how much paperwork it takes to legally change a name? How rude. I don’t have the time to wait in a government line for 6 hours before being told I filled out the wrong form. I don’t care how much you hate cows and their milk, you’re staying as Ariana Grande Latte.
Instead of tackling the hard-hitting issues that affect the world of Ariana Grande, such as “Why do you always look like an American Girl doll going to prom?” V Magazine instead chose to break Rule No.1 of preventing an interview from going off the tracks by asking Ariana about her vegan lifestyle. Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible to talk about being a vegan without sounding patronizingly smug – it is possible – but talking to a 20-year-old about why they’re vegan? Whole other story:
“In America, almost everybody thinks you need to have meat for protein. Protein, protein, protein! And what’s in dairy? Calcium, calcium, calcium. It’s those kinds of proteins that latch onto the insides of your blood- stream and make it easier for you to have a heart attack. Look, cows produce milk withnutrients for cows. Maybe that’s why Americans end up looking like cows! Ultimately, no one wants cow tit pus in their food, do they?”
Ex-cue-sah-you biiiiiiitch. Some of us love cow tit pus and don’t care for the attitude; nobody throws that much shade at my favorite Baileys mixer and gets away with it. I honestly could give a shit what people put in their mouths, whether it be seitan nuggets or Satan’s nut sack (“Ooh, lemme just wipe off my lipgloss first” – Kris Jenner) but I refuse to take unsolicited advice from an un-smart young one about how I need to stop drinking Peanut Butter Fudge Shakes from Sonic. BECAUSE I NEVER WILL (until they remove them from the menu, in which case I’ll have the #5 combo of slow wall-slide with a side of inconsolable weeping).
And because you haven’t seen it a billion and one times, here’s more of Ariana Grande Steamed Milk in V making the same ‘trying to stealthily squeeze out a difficult tofu fart’ expression she always does:
(Pics: V Magazine)