(For immediate release courtesy of the Church of $cientology)
PLEASE WELCOME OUR NEWEST LITTLE BUNDLE OF THETANS! Level 12 Scientology wizard Danny Masterson and his wife, Level 10 Scientology elf Bijou Phillips, are pleased to announce they are now the proud parents of a new baby girl. Mommy and Daddy are doing fine (praise Xenu) but baby has already given an off-the-charts E-meter reading that tells us she desperately needs 50 CC’s of barely water and the teachings of My First Dianetics to help her walk on the path of happiness.
That’s where I stop writing jokes about Scientology, because I’m afraid I’ll get a knock at my door and two men with lifts in their shoes will escort me to a “party” being thrown by Shelly Miscavige and Katie Holmes’s whistleblowing prepaid cell phone. On Valentine’s Day, Forever Hyde’s wife Bijou birthed out a baby friend and today he uploaded this photo of the two of them taking a nap to Instagram with the caption:
Hello friends. Beyond thrilled to announce The birth of our daughter Fianna Francis Masterson! Mom and baby are doing amazing. You can all refer to me as dj dadpants from now on.
Even though Fianna sounds like the name of Shrek’s deadbeat sister-in-law who’s always pressuring him to invest in her online scrapbooking business, I applaud these two for dealing her half a hand with Francis (and also because I’m a sucker for a good Malcolm in the Middle reference). So congratulations Bijou and Danny! And prepare yourselves for 16 years in the future when Wilmer Valderama shows up on your doorstep with a 6-pack of beer asking “Hey guys, is Fianna home?”