Except you know Beyoncé refers to her as ‘Kanye’s reality show girlfriend’. HA! Listen to me, acting like Beyoncé even acknowledges her at all. Every time Kim Kardashian approaches Beyoncé, Blue Ivy probably steps in and asks “Can I help you, ma’am? Are you here for an autograph?” before whipping out a Sasha Fierce-era 8×10 glossy and asking who she would like it made out to. “I can’t write very well, because I’m a toddler, but let’s just pretend this squiggle represents whatever it is your name is. What is that you’re holding; is that your baby? Ooo-wee, there but for the grace of Bey go I.”
But the tribute to Kim doesn’t simply end at Bey’s RuPaul-approved padded ass (for real though, it looks like her stylist cut two pieces of foam padding in the shape of Africa). According to The Mirror, Nick Grimshaw, everyone at the O2 Arena, most of Twitter, The Queen, her corgis, Paddington Bear, and a sleeve of McVitie’s Ginger Nuts all thought Beyoncé’s performance of XO at the BRIT Awards last night put the snore in boring. Well, you know what they say: if you want to put on a boring performance, there’s no better reference material than Kim’s sex tape.
After watching a bit of it myself, I have to admit it’s not that bad (I know, what’s happening, book an MRI). I was expecting a Theraflu-sponsored performance by a more-capable Lana Del Rey on horse tranquilizers, but we just got Beyoncé being plain ol’ Beyoncé. Look, British people, you set your expectations too high; not every performance is going to involve greasy chair grinding and surfborts. Sometimes you’re just going to get Blue Ivy’s mom in a long-ass lacefront and one of the leftover gowns from Dreamgirls.
(Pics: Splash, Wenn)