“Why Does This $100 Bill Smell Like Piss And Have A Portrait Of Satan On It?”

It feels like just yesterday Jay Leno and his Rotten Robbie chin rode off into the sunset and away from The Tonight Show and television forever (if I say it, it might make it true) but in Hollywood years, enough time has passed that the body has been lowered into the ground, everyone is back at the church eating crustless triangle-shaped tuna sandwiches, and Jimmy Fallon can move into Jay’s old house and sell everything on Craigslist.

As expected, lots of stars and “stars” (you’ll see why those quotation marks are there in a second) showed up for Jimmy’s first night as host of The Tonight Show. After joking that a friend bet him $100 that he’d replace Jay as host, several stars surprised the audience by coming out and dropping $100 on his desk, including Robert De Niro, Tina Fey, Sarah Jessica Showpony, Mimi (looking like Jessica Rabbit with pill bloat and a busted pair of Spanx)…and Kim Kardashian (question mark?). They should have warned the audience that there might be an appearance by Hell’s #1 goblin prostitute, because their restrained applause says “I was not prepared to look into the face of evil. I am scared.” Then Lindsay Lohan came out, and the audience started circulating a class-action lawsuit (“We were promised there would be stars; the fact that Blohan followed a Kartrashian determined that was a lie.”)

Later in the show, Jimmy borrowed a pair of overalls and my best school picture day t-shirt from 1994, and performed the Evolution of Hip Hop Dancing with Will Smith. But you could also tell me it was home video from one of Tom Cruise’s Friday night Scientology sleepovers, and I’d believe you (especially if you switched out the music for Bell Biv DeVoe’s Poison). The dance ended with Jimmy ‘twerking’ (can we lower that coffin into the ground yet?) and making Will Smith so super horny, he had to exit stage right and jerk one out in the green room. No! He was probably just sad that he’d have to un-invite Jimmy to the next sleepover because he can’t bump-a-rump for shit.