And no, I’m not talking about his face; life took an effed-up shit on that a long time ago. And then the sun dried it out. And then God sprinkled it with douche-salts and cured it like a piece of jerk-flavored jerky. And then your dog found it in the park and threw you a LIGAF?-face when you screamed “Scooter NOOO! Don’t eat that!”
TMZ is reporting that they have the exclusive details of a domestic dispute between noted anal wart, Michael Lohan, and his girlfriend Kate Major at their home in Florida. It all began Monday evening when Kate locked herself in the bathroom after a fight with Michael, and mistook Twitter for 911 by tweeting:
Threatening to take our son. What judge would rule for him??? Stuck inside a house with this guy? He has a knife.
You know, just typical Twitter stuff. “Just tweeting about that time I locked myself in the bathroom with my son because my boyfriend was brandishing a knife! LULZ #SoRandom”. TMZ then says that a source close to the couple (Michael holding his finger above his lip like a pretend moustache) claims that Kate’s erratic behavior worried Michael enough to call 911 (…right after calling TMZ). When police arrived, Michael told officers that Kate was drunk and he worried for the safety of his son, but neither Michael nor Kate would leave the house.
Because being a hysterical attention-starved mess isn’t against the law in Florida, police left the Lohan-Major home without arresting either of those dum-dums. Kate went on to delete the crazy shit she said on Twitter and tweeted a weird apology, while Michael kept hitting TMZ’s number on speed dial until someone picked up so he could sell out his girlfriend as a drunk, crazy mess. Michael told TMZ that Kate is a lie-telling liar who’s drinking has gotten so out of control that she tried to kill herself this weekend and that if she doesn’t get help, he’s going to seek sole custody of their son, Landon. And because I hope it NEVER gets to that, I’m crossing my fingers that there’s a family of kindly swamp gators who will step forward and snatch baby Landon from his stroller in the parking lot of a Waffle House and raise him as one of their own.