Things You Didn’t Need To Know: Barbara Walters’ Vibrator’s Name Is “Selfie”

WARNING: Watching this video of Barbara Walters talking about fucking her dusty babawawa biscuit with a vibrator named Selfie on The View may be harmful to your health. Uncommon but serious side effects of viewing this video may include:

Filing for divorce from the area of the brain that holds memories, a shame erection, thoughts of suicide (following shame erection), anti-arousal (also known as Sahara Syndrome), a written complaint from your gag reflex, the condition known as Nope Face, bargaining with a higher power for the existence of Men in Black mind-erase things. If you experience a sudden loss in vision, do not be alarmed; it is common for parts of your body to peace the fuck out during a traumatic event.

And I’m all for oldies getting theirs, but I’d rather stick to a ‘don’t ask, please for the love of god don’t tell’ policy when it comes to the details of memaws and pawpaws doing the one-armed Charleston. Barbara, I’m happy you’re (shudder) masturbating, but we don’t need to know anymore about Selfie. We don’t need to know what kind it is, where you bought it, where you use it, or who you’re using it to. But if I had to guess, it’s probably an old picture of Calvin Coolidge, right? No, wait, don’t answer that.