Someone crack a window; it smells too much like pure alagance and tasteful saphisticating in here (with just a whisper of candy heart farts). On Friday, Mariah Carey caused the largest recorded case of Type 2 Diabetes when she uploaded a high-fructose corn syrup-soaked Valentine’s Day photoshoot to Facebook, with each picture of Mimi and her jumbo jawbreaker candy tits captioned “Waiting for my Valentine”, “Still Waiting”, and “No Valentine yet”. I like how she makes it seem like she was waiting for Nick Cannon to get home from work or something; just call down to the den and tell him to turn off the Xbox and get his ass upstairs.
Mimi’s gone though a Rainbow phase, a Butterfly phase, and now it looks like we have to wade through her Candy and Champagne phase, which is great, because I can’t get enough of those ex-porn star sketches from SNL. Actually, the more of them I watch, the more I’m starting to think they’ve based their characters on drowsy current-day Mariah. “Can we find an interview on YouTube where Mariah tries to pronounce Louis Vuitton?”