For the first time in three whole years, Kate Upton’s gigantic Rocky Mountain titties didn’t make the cover of Sports Illustrated: Fap Edition, but she’s there in spirit. Because if you put all those butts together, you’d have half of one of Kate’s tits. And if look you in the water and squint, you can sort of make out the silhouette of Kate Upton as she puts her hands around Chrissy Teigen’s ankles so she can pull that ho down and take her place.
Last night, hundreds of thousands of sons screamed, “Leave me alone! I’m just giving my Whoopee Cushion a sponge bath,” from their basement bedrooms when their moms asked them what that sound was. That was the sound of their sons becoming men while spending some quality time with a bottle of Jergens lotion and the new cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition. Nina Agdal, Lily Aldridge, Chrissy Teigen and their ass cheeks all made the cover together. I know Leonardo DiCaprio is more of a Victoria’s Secret kind of ho, but he should still be ashamed of himself and step up his game. As far as we know, he’s only humped one out of the three.
I’m sure the boners of straight dudes will disagree with me, but the cover isn’t anything special and it’s kind of awkward. If this was the cover of Scoliosis Quarterly: Swimsuit Edition, they would’ve nailed! But it’s kind of whatever, especially for the 50th anniversary issue. SI should’ve gone big and really done up the cover. They should’ve given us a real classic beauty for the ages. They should’ve given us something truly pucker-worthy like this:
But if they did that, the issue would’ve sold out in seconds and millions of people would’ve looted the printing factory looking for more copies.
And to answer your question, no, I did not get my PhD in Photoshop from MCU (Mariah Carey University). Surprising, I know.