Happy Valentine’s Day! Ellen Page Came Out As A Gayelle! (UPDATE)

February 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Okay, yeah, sure we all knew that Ellen Page scissored until her crotch pubes burnt off and you’re probably looking at me like, “Tell me something about Juno, I don’t know, bitch,” but she officially came out at the HRC’s Time to THRIVE conference in Las Vegas tonight. Ellen announced in front of everyone that yeah, she likes cooch, and I think I squirted out a dry tear while reading her coming out speech:

“I’m here today because I am gay. And because maybe I can make a difference. To help others have an easier and more hopeful time. Regardless, for me, I feel a personal obligation and a social responsibility. It’s weird because here I am, an actress, representing — at least in some sense — an industry that places crushing standards on all of us. Not just young people, but everyone. Standards of beauty. Of a good life. Of success. Standards that, I hate to admit, have affected me.

You have ideas planted in your head, thoughts you never had before, that tell you how you have to act, how you have to dress and who you have to be. I have been trying to push back, to be authentic, to follow my heart, but it can be hard.”

A few seconds after, official President of the Gayelle Union, Rojo Calience, ran up with a welcome basket full of Home Depot gift cards, wooden ducks and flannel shirts. Happy Valentine’s Day to us all! Let’s all celebrate Ellen Page’s coming out by eating some cooch! You go first.

UPDATE: And here’s the video of Juno’s speech, which made the mound of ten-week-old burnt up barbecue charcoal in my chest actually feel something.

If Ellen’s hockey watching partner ASkars should feel the need to say something about this good news, can he please attach a new topless hi-res picture of himself to his statement? Because the AskarsNipples folder on my desktop really needs an update.

Pic via Lance Bass’ Instagram

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