Just What You Needed: Michelle And Jim Bob Duggar’s Tips For Keeping Your Marriage Sexy

February 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Proceed with caution, because getting the tip from Jim Bob Duggar usually leaves a ho with a pile of slobbering chirrun and a pussy that could host the next Chicago Auto Show.

In honor of the day when your piece gives you a heart teddy bear from CVS before you get in a quick fuck on the couch so you can watch House of Cards season 2, the Duggars have birthed out 7 barf-inducing tips on how to keep your marriage sexy. The only tips I want from Michelle Duggar are beauty tips on how to get your hair to look like it time traveled here from 1984, but these Christian bareback sluts are experts in fucking, so I guess they know what they’re talking about (no, they don’t). If you really want your genitals to dry up like a pile of turkey jerky as your eyeballs melt and dribble out of their sockets, then read just a few of their tips (the rest are here):

1. Always keep your coochie available to your husband. Who cares if every time he sticks it in, a baby grabs onto the tip and when he pulls out you’ve got another mouth to feed. Who cares if you don’t want to bone him, because you’ve got the tireds and every time he takes his raw peen out your uterus starts screaming for mercy. Be his on-call 24-hour baby-making fuck machine. 

Michelle says a friend gave her advice to live by before she and Jim Bob married in 1984: “She said, ‘In your marriage there will be times you’re going to be very exhausted. Your hubby comes home after a hard day’s work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you.’” — she’s talking about sex, just so everyone’s clear — “‘Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.’”

At the time, as a young bride-to-be, Michelle says, she couldn’t imagine ever not wanting to “be available” for some quality married nookie. But with kids, she soon realized, exhaustion can easily extinguish romance. So she’s made an effort to follow her friend’s advice — and with no birth control and 19 kids, it would seem she’s succeeded. “That has been such a lifesaver for our marriage,” she tells TODAY Moms.

Seems to be working for Jim Bob, too: “We’re like a newlywed couple every day!” he enthuses.

2. But it’s okay to put a Be Back Soon sign over your twat after you’ve just had a baby (THE BIBLE SAYS) and when your period comes. Please, I bet Aunt Flow hasn’t brought her homemade berry crumble to Michelle in a loooong time since she’s always knocked up.

It’s not all sexytime at the Duggars. They abstain when Michelle has her period, and also after childbirth: 80 days before sex if it’s a girl, 40 days after a boy. (The timeline for abstinence after childbirth is loosely based on Old Testament traditions, but is more about what works for their marriage than about observing religious law, the Duggars say.) A bit of abstinence, they’ve found, does make the heart grow fonder.

“When you’ve missed it for seven days, you look forward to it even more,” Michelle says.

3. Treat your wife like a queen and that means sex her until she gives birth to a dozen handmaiden daughters who will wait on her hand and foot and raise all her ten million kids.

Lest you think Duggar romance is all about the baby-making, they note that emotional intimacy is important, too. Even in the whirlwind of raising 19 kids, they do little things like sending each other “I love you” texts, calling each other “Sweetie,” and kissing in the kitchen. Jim Bob seems to put Michelle on a pedestal; and to be fair, she does the same to him.

“That’s key in a relationship, the husband needs to cherish his wife and always treat his wife like a queen,” Jim Bob says.

Again, you can read the rest here, but I don’t know if I would go there if I were you. I read the entire thing and I think I’m permanently sterilized. Shit, that’s probably all part of Jim Bob and Michelle’s evil master plan. They know that images of them getting it in raw will make all of our baby-making parts shrivel up and shut down. That way we will all stop procreating while the Duggars keep going at it and finally take over the world and make all of us their soap-making slaves.

(Pic via TLC) (Thanks Melissa!)

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