I’m reporting this news to you from the emergency room at Mercy General Hospital, because after learning from TMZ that Mah Boo Brucie might be leaving Keeping Up With The Koven of Kosmetically-Altered Kronies, I blew out my vocal cords screaming YAAAASSSS and suffered instant dehydration when all the water vacated my body through my tear ducts. I have literally never been happier in my life; sorry, future baby or footlong sub, but you’ll always be second-best to this:
Sources connected to both the Kardashian family and the production tell TMZ … Bruce will NOT come back for another season of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” if the network picks it up. The family is currently shooting the last installment of the series … and even if it gets renewed we’re told Bruce wants out.
Bruce now reluctantly takes part in the show … but only when it’s absolutely necessary. Whenever possible he’ll shoot his scenes in Malibu — where he now lives.
We’re told Bruce has a clear vision of his life as soon as the season ends … golfing, spending time with his kids — off camera — flying helicopters and riding motorcycles.
Of course, Pimp Mama Kris is denying that one of her minions is defecting to a life free of shamelessly sucking off Satan for fame. If she thinks we believe that bullshit, then clearly working that pole caused too much Botox to rush to her brain.
And what’s this about Bruce wanting to fly helicopters and ride motorcycles? Excuse your ignorance; clearly this source doesn’t know Bruce as well as they think they do. Once Bruce is officially free from those evil hags, his days will be spent turning down marriage proposals from Saudi princes, holding hourly fashion shows by the pool, brushing his hair 1,000,000 strokes (only chumps like Marcia Brady stop at 1,000), and choreographing dances to Destiny’s Child in the garage. And maybe if he starts to miss Hollywood juuuust a bit, he could record a Welcome to My Home video (I just crossed my fingers so tightly, I broke them all off).
Just as a reminder of what Bruce is leaving behind (and NEVAH looking back), here’s Kim shooting Keeping Up With The Koven with Ciara. I don’t know what’s going on with Kim’s hair, but Blanket Jackson does, and he’s not thrilled about that useless cum-dipped bridge troll stealing his look.