Drake Bell, who was in that Drake & Josh show on Nickelodeon, has joined those of us who tell the Target cashier, “Oh, let me just rub that shit against my pants. The strip is obviously wonky,” when our card declines while buying bacon jerky and boxed wine.
Drake Bell’s Broke Ass Child Star membership card arrived in the mail the other day when he filed for bankruptcy. TMZ says that most of Drake’s assets can fit in that Speedo. In the documents, Drake says his debts total $581,000 and he makes $2,820 a month, but has $18,771 a month in expenses. Drake’s house is valued at $1.575 million, but I guess he took out a few loans on it, because he owes $1.597 million. Last year, Zillow said that the bank slapped a foreclosure notice on Drake’s house in Los Feliz. TMZ also says that Drake pulled in $408,000 in 2012, but 2013 wasn’t that bitch’s year, because he only brought in $14,099. On top of all of that, Drake owes a mountain of money to the IRS.
Drake Bell, of course, is denying all of this on Twatter:
Sweet! Finally TMZ has printed false statements about me!! Hahaha
— Drake Bell (@DrakeBell) February 12, 2014
I know that when Nickelodeon and Disney child stars start to grow pubes on their own, the evil pimp executives throw them out onto the curb and don’t really care what happens to them. But those pimp executives should grow a sliver of a heart and at least give them a Suze Orman book while kicking them out the exit door. Maybe then they’d learn that they probably shouldn’t blow their cash on a house they can’t really afford and Victoria Justice Real Dolls (squint and you might see it), because if they do they could end up sucking dick for some Pintos ‘N Cheese behind a Taco Bell with the rest of us. (I could make a dirty dick joke here, but I won’t do it today. It’s lunchtime.)
I was going to say that Drake could make some cash by doing a reality shit show, but he already did the shittiest reality shit show of them all: Splash. So that leaves gay porn. That “private” number burning up your phone, isn’t another creditor calling for their cash, Drake. It’s Sean Cody. Pick it up.
If only Drake Bell got a dollar for every time a Belieber’s cherry exploded while reading this story, he’d have enough cash to pay off all his debts and then some.