— Molson Canadian (@Molson_Canadian) February 9, 2014
Leave it to Canada (aka Ireland Jr) to haul a giant beer-filled vending machine to the Sochi Olympics. Canadians love beer so much, that thing probably got a first class seat on the plane ride over to Russia, and it would have marched in the Parade of Nations during the Opening Ceremonies, if it hadn’t gotten drunk, attacked a decorative tree, then passed out on the couch while watching Trailer Park Boys.
Time says that the fridge was installed by Molson Canadian in the Canadian Olympic House and works by inserting a Canadian passport, waiting for the age and citizenship to be verified, then dispensing a beer. No where in that description is payment mentioned, which means this machine could be dispensing free beers. Well, so long second-place medal standing; it was nice knowing you, but now that there’s an endless supply of free beer, Canadian athletes have better things to do than collect gold medals. Throw on “Summer of 69“, it’s time to get RIGHT FUCKIN’ RIPPED! I’m only half kidding; if Canadian athletes had access to an endless supply of beer, Bryan Adams, and a passport-operated Swiss Chalet dipping sauce machine, they’d never come home.
And I call bullshit on that beer fridge only working for Canadian passports; Canadians are too damn polite to create something so exclusive (they love to share – that’s why they keep giving Bieber back to the US). I bet if you inserted any old passport, a bleep-bloop sounding voice would say: “TECHNICALLY NOT PERMITTED. JUST THIS ONCE THOUGH. DON’T TELL ANYONE, BUD”. But it would never cut you off; you could keep coming back and inserting random scraps of cardboard (like the “flooring” from your hotel room. Sochi joke, nailed it) and it would say: “BEER FRIDGE STARTING TO THINK YOU’RE TAKING ADVANTAGE” then “THAT WAS RUDE. BEER FRIDGE SO SORRY. HERE, TAKE 10 BEERS AS APOLOGY.”