Miley Cyrus Thinks Her Bangerz Tour Is Educational For Kids, Y’all

February 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and DeVry can either start hammering the FOR LEASE signs into the lawn or skip directly to torching the joint and collecting the insurance money, because their reign as cornerstones of higher learning are official OVER now that we have Miley Cyrus’s Bangerz tour. In an interview with Fuse News (via Time) Miley talks to her sister Brandi about how the ghost of Maria Montessori can go suck a twerk, because kids will be learning everything they need to know from her upcoming tour. Sorry, did I say tour? I meant to say nationwide Mensa meeting:

“Even though parents probably won’t think this, I think my show is educational for kids. [Kids are] going to be exposed to art most people don’t know about. People are taught to look at things so black and white, especially in small towns. I’m excited to take this tour to places where stuff like this wouldn’t get accepted, where kids wouldn’t learn about this different kind of art.”

No word on when PBS will purchase the broadcast rights to Bangerz, but as of this morning, Big Bird, Miss Frizzle, and the kids from ZOOM have been served with letters of termination.

As someone who grew up in the type of small town that considers Thomas Kinkade to be the highest of art, I appreciate what Miley is going for, but this isn’t 1953 and she’s not Elvis grinding the air and shocking the viewers of The Milton Berle Show. I’m pretty sure we started assigning iPhones to fetuses in the womb, so kids already know everything; I’m sure I could go up to a random 8-year-old on the street in Winfield, Kansas and ask them the colors of the 5 most recent too-tight skirts worn by Kim Kardashian and they’d be like “Duh – beige, beige, light beige, winter white, beige.” Thanks to the internet, humans between the ages of 2 and too-damn-old are already very familiar with Miley’s ‘OMG, like so crazy, y’all‘ theatrics, so paying $75 to watch Hannah Montana rub her chipmunk chocha all over the stages of Smalltown USA isn’t exactly going to blow any minds. And it definitely won’t plant the seeds for any future neuroscientists (except for that one curious kid who’s like “I wonder if that white scum on Miley’s tongue is the result of bacteria-tainted jizz or casual inbreeding. To the science lab!”)

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