Live From New York, It’s Chris Kattan’s DUI

Chris Kattan NOOOOO! I thought his regretful mistakes couldn’t get any worse than marrying a woman named Sunshine, but apparently he’s capable of much worse. According to TMZ, at around 1am Sunday night, police in the San Fernando Valley saw Corky Romano slowly weaving his car around the 101 freeway before crossing into a coned-off area and rear ending a Dept. of Transportation vehicle. After blaming his loopy driving on prescription medications, he was made to perform a sobriety test (the video of which would be 100% less depressing if someone had set it to Haddaway) and after failing spectacularly, was arrested for DUI. I’d hate to sully the good name of the man who brought us such classic characters as Gay Hitler and Mr. Peepers, so I’d like to stress that its been confirmed that Chris Kattan was arrested for driving under the influence of sweet, sweet mind-numbing pills, and not the sweet nectar.

Normally, reading about a celebrity getting arrested for a DUI makes me pissed enough to scream ‘CALL A FUCKING CAB NEXT TIME, YOU DRUNK’ at my computer screen, but I’m giving Chris Kattan a pass because – FACT – Chris Kattan’s life post-SNL is a major bummer and the guy could use a break. Also, pills are hard; have you ever picked up a prescription from CVS, looked confusedly at the winky-eye warnings and thought “Damn, I hope there’s a Wikipedia page for this”? Just ask Liza Minnelli – it takes years to get good at pills. I know, I know, he shouldn’t get a pass for getting pill-high and driving through the valley just because his life sucks (if that were the case, Lindsay Lohan would have the cleanest record out there).

I can’t tell if this story will end with Chris Kattan going to rehab or doing a stint in prison (prison-prison, not the prison-like feeling that comes with spending 8-hours on set with Patricia Heaton) but one thing is for sure: he needs Will Ferrell back in his life. Steve Butabi, come get your brother Doug!