Go ahead and just start pouring bottles of vodka into the bathtub now, because you’re going to want to soak your body in a whole lot of booze after you read the latest chapter in this messy, sad family shit. The New York Times published Woody Allen’s long ass response to Dylan Farrow’s claims that he molested her when she was 7 years old. Woody is mad and pretty much paints Mia Farrow as a crazy, manipulative, shady home wrecking slut whore who brainwashes children and has made it her life goal to skin him alive and Riverdance on his destroyed body.
Woody, of course, denies ever abusing Dylan and says that when he was first accused of it, he didn’t even get a lawyer, because he thought the whole thing was so ridiculous. Woody claims he took a lie detector and passed, and that Mia refused to take one. Woody also claims that at first Dylan told a doctor she wasn’t molested, but after spending the afternoon with Mia, she said she was. Woody basically laid down everything his lawyer laid down. The Child Sexual Abuse Clinic of the Yale-New Haven Hospital investigated the claims and declared that Woody didn’t molest her and Mia most likely put the story in her head. Vanity Fair wrote a piece about that investigation and they say the whole thing was pretty shady. Woody says that it was pretty impossible for him to molest Dylan in the attic, because he’s claustrophobic and the attic was all cramped and shit. Yeah, claustrophobic hos are completely allergic to attics and cannot molest children in there. Makes sense.
Woody writes that it’s funny how he was never accused of child touching up until then and then he spit out a true vomit-inducing dingle when describing his “new relationship” with a 17-year-old:
I had been going out with Mia for 12 years and never in that time did she ever suggest to me anything resembling misconduct. Now, suddenly, when I had driven up to her house in Connecticut one afternoon to visit the kids for a few hours, when I would be on my raging adversary’s home turf, with half a dozen people present, when I was in the blissful early stages of a happy new relationship with the woman I’d go on to marry — that I would pick this moment in time to embark on a career as a child molester should seem to the most skeptical mind highly unlikely. The sheer illogic of such a crazy scenario seemed to me dispositive.
Woody, who also drops quotes from Moses Farrow’s interview with People, doesn’t even think that Dylan wrote the open letter for the NY Times. He thinks that Mia once again pulled Dylan’s strings by writing the letter and putting Dylan’s name on it:
One must ask, did Dylan even write the letter or was it at least guided by her mother? Does the letter really benefit Dylan or does it simply advance her mother’s shabby agenda? That is to hurt me with a smear. There is even a lame attempt to do professional damage by trying to involve movie stars, which smells a lot more like Mia than Dylan.
He also continued to try to smear Mia’s reputation by saying that if Frank Sinatra is Ronan Farrow’s biological father, then she’s shifty as fuck for accepting child support checks.
I pause here for a quick word on the Ronan situation. Is he my son or, as Mia suggests, Frank Sinatra’s? Granted, he looks a lot like Frank with the blue eyes and facial features, but if so what does this say? That all during the custody hearing Mia lied under oath and falsely represented Ronan as our son? Even if he is not Frank’s, the possibility she raises that he could be, indicates she was secretly intimate with him during our years. Not to mention all the money I paid for child support. Was I supporting Frank’s son? Again, I want to call attention to the integrity and honesty of a person who conducts her life like that.
He ends this shit by saying that he hopes Dylan will reach out to him (here comes the heaves):
Of course, I did not molest Dylan. I loved her and hope one day she will grasp how she has been cheated out of having a loving father and exploited by a mother more interested in her own festering anger than her daughter’s well-being. Being taught to hate your father and made to believe he molested you has already taken a psychological toll on this lovely young woman, and Soon-Yi and I are both hoping that one day she will understand who has really made her a victim and reconnect with us, as Moses has, in a loving, productive way. No one wants to discourage abuse victims from speaking out, but one must bear in mind that sometimes there are people who are falsely accused and that is also a terribly destructive thing.
Woody also promised to never speak of this again.
This mess. It’s like being the guest at the Thanksgiving dinner of the most dysfunctional, fucked up and torn apart family ever. Pass the mashed Xanax, please. You can read the whole thing here. I’m going to drop a palate cleanser below, because you’re going to need it.
Thank EVERYTHING for Maru.