Because the Sochi Olympics are turning out to be a gay-less, yogurt-less, plumbing-less, dreadful disastrous mess, my mind burped up memories of hotter Winter Olympics like Lillehammer ’94. The ladies figure skating competition at Lillehammer had everything you could ever want from a ladies figure skating competition. Drama, escandalosoness, bitchiness and a sequined swan who could not stop crying. There was Trailer Trash Tonya (who skated to the Jurassic Park theme), the non-stop crying Ukrainian swan Oksana Baiul, Katarina Witt, my all-time favorite Surya Bonaly and the undercover bitch masquerading as America’s Sweetheart Nancy Kerrigan.
After Nancy Kerrigan got the silver medal and threw shade at Oksana before the medal ceremony, she came back to the States and had to put on a manufactured smile and wave in a parade at Disney World. Since it’s pretty slow today, I thought I’d relieve the bitchy magic of Nancy telling Mickey Mouse how corny that shit was. Nancy later tried to say that she thought wearing her silver medal out in public was corny, but Mickey and anybody with eyes knows the truth. Nancy is in Sochi to work as a figure skating analyst for NBC and I hope they have several cameras on her face when she throws an ice cold side-eye after her hotel room doorknob comes off in her hand.