Dear Charlie Sheen: Ashton Kutcher Would Like You To STFU Now

February 6, 2014 / Posted by:

And I would like both of them to shut up, but the universe hates me and never grants any of my wishes (yet still, I sit every night on my windowsill and sing Somewhere Out There after hitting send on my emails to Pizza Hut begging them for Doritos-crust pizza). Luckily, I don’t have to deal with Charlie Sheen tweeting me insults, so…life’s little mercies, I suppose. Unfortunately, Ashton Kutcher isn’t as lucky. During an interview with Jimmy Kimmel on Wednesday night, Ashton was asked about Two and a Half Men and if he still felt like the new guy on set. But since there’s an unwritten rule that you can’t talk about Two and a Half Men without mentioning the cirrhosis-bloated ghost of Ricky Vaughn, Jimmy then asks if Ashton goes into work every day and they thank him for not being Charlie Sheen. He started to make a sort-of joke, but then decided to look directly at the camera and address Sheen personally:

“I’m going to publicly plea right now with Charlie. Dude, shut the fuck up! Like, seriously! Enough already! It’s like 3 years later and you’re still blowing me up on Twitter? Come on dude, really?”

Literally the only thing I took from that plea is that he said the word ‘dude’ twice and NOT ONCE followed it up with “…where’s my car?” Afterwards, reliable ol’ Charlie got around to addressing Ashton’s request on Twitter, and true to recent form, he responded through some kind of first-year college free-verse poem:

Aww, that’s nice; it takes a real man to step up and admit he was wrong. Good for you Charlie! It’s not every day you manage to come off sounding like a reasonable, level-headed – oh wait, there’s more? Okay, I’m sure it’s just as thoughtful:

Never mind, I take it back; something tells me Ashton’s request was taken about as seriously as when your dentist asks you to start flossing (“Oh yeah, sure. Every night, I promise” – said no one).

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