The “Clay Aiken For Congress “Ad We’ve All Been Waiting For Is Here

February 5, 2014 / Posted by:

As expected, the American Idol runner-up and the sole reason why every Claymate’s got a crusty foam stain on the inside of her mom jeans is running for Congress in his home state of North Carolina. Alfred E. Neuman’s Southern gay cousin announced today that he’s coming for the seat in Congress that Rep. Renee Ellmers is currently sitting in. Future Congressginge Aiken released this campaign ad today and it’s perfection from his ensemble provided by the Eddie Bauer outlet to the gorgeous stock music which sounds like a song from a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. Clay Aiken talks about sleeping on a mattress with his mom on a friend’s living room floor after she left his drunk, wife-beating dad and goes on to talk about wearing clothes from the thrift store. If Clay learned anything from American Idol, it’s how to put together a gold star sympathy video. I don’t know why, but that ad reminded me of an episode of Starting Over.

Clay briefly talks about losing American Idol and says that he’s not a politician, which I guess is something you say to the people to get them to trust you since most politicians are shady assholes who will face punch a baby for a vote, but this is not something you should say in a job interview. If you’re interviewing for a receptionist position, don’t say, “I am not a receptionist.” You will not get that job. Anyway, Clay also said some words to the Raleigh News Observer about running. I wish he would’ve just recited the lyrics to The Real Me.

“I saw this as the best place I could serve, because I think Washington, in general, is dysfunctional. I think it’s high time we put people in Congress who were not beholden to their party, and not beholden to anything but the people who they live around and grew up around, in my case.”

Clay’s campaign is going to focus on jobs and education and THE ECONOMY! Clay plans to get most of his campaign money from supporters and that means his campaign budget will be at least $10 billion since you know those Claymates are going raise money for their ovaries-busting God by selling all their relatives to a human trafficking ring.

The preliminary election for North Carolina’s 2nd Congressional District is in May. One of Clay’s opponents, Houston Barnes, has already announced that he’s dropping out and he’s not going for the Democratic spot so he can support Clay. Keith Crisco and Toni Morris are still planning to go up against Clay.

And here’s another video of Clay talking about politics and stuff:

I’d totally vote for Clay (NO CLAYMATE), but with that said, can somebody please get his ass a new “Glam Squad.” How can the people of North Carolina vote for a dude who only wears Wet N’ Wild foundation on his face (and not on his neck) and whose eyebrows always look like patches of dead grass? Clay’s beauty deserves better.

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