Sean Penn Moved In With Charlize Theron And Wants To Marry Her And Adopt Her Kid

February 4, 2014 / Posted by:

If Charlize Theron told you that Sean Penn was moving into her house with her and her kid Jackson, you’d probably throw a subtle side-eye and then shrug since he looks like a rabid German Shepard with rabies and that will keep burglars away. Also, if that crazy bitch brings out the rage, she can always call the police and the 24-hour movers.

If Charlize Theron told you that she was going to marry Sean Penn, you’d probably throw a full side-eye and then shrug since a thing called divorce exists and you aren’t officially Hollywood until you’ve had at least 3 of those.

If Charlize Theron told you that she was going to let Sean Penn adopt her son Jackson, you’d use your eyes and fingers to call for an ambulance since she obviously needs an emergency MRI. Bitch obviously busted the part of her brain that operates reason.

Radar says that Charlize and scab-faced Sean have pressed the fast forward button four times on their relationship and are making plans to go from living together to raising a kid together. Somebody get Jackson a taser for his next birthday. The source (aka Sean’s publicist or Hugo Chavez’s ghost) said this:

“Sean is head over heels in love with Charlize, and her son Jackson. He is a totally different person around Charlize, she brings out the gentle and fun side that not many people have seen of Sean. To see this previously surly grown man, romping around Charlize’s backyard with Jackson, with a smile on his face would amaze Sean’s detractors. Charlize is getting Sean to not take himself to seriously. The two began talking about marriage in the last few weeks, after Sean moved into Charlize’s house. She has never wanted to get married, but seeing how Sean interacts with Jackson, she is having a change of heart. For the longest time, Charlize thought it was just going to be her and Jackson, and she was ok with that. For her to now be talking about getting married is a huge departure for Charlize.

[Sean is] in a very good place right now. He has been single for awhile after his divorce with Robin Wright. People didn’t realize how hard he took that divorce. He felt like a really big failure, he never wanted to be divorced. Charlize is truly the light in his life. He is even talking about adopting Jackson if they get married!”

Charlize has already convinced Sean Penn to turn all of his guns into an art piece and now he wants to marry her and play family and shit. If Sean actually transforms from a raging taint sore into a gentle and calm family man, then Charlize’s pussy needs to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Charlize’s pussy needs to be recognized as a skilled asshole whisperer.

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