Since Justin Bieber probably won’t be doing any jail time, and you have to be in big boy pants or weaned off breastmilk before being admitted to Wee Hab: The Rehab for Babies, it looks like Tantrum Toddler is going to have to get creative if he wants to win back the public’s affection (and he better do it quick; it’s only a matter of time before the leaders of Galactus X5 receive our petition asking them to abduct him and take him back to their planet for probing). According to Page Six, Justin is dumber than we thought, because his big damage control idea is to strengthen his relationship with Christ through baptism:
Multiple sources confirmed to us that Bieber was looking for a Manhattan property with a private pool to conduct a baptism-like ceremony with the Hillsong Church NYC.
One source said, “Justin and his team spent time on Saturday searching for a place with a pool where they could conduct a baptism for him, a cleansing ritual, with the Hillsong Church. But they couldn’t find a place in time.”
Another source added, “Justin is serious about his Christian faith, and after recent events, he needed to take a pause.”
I feel like even the most Bible Belt-y of Christians are reading this and thinking: “He needs to take a long pause in the time-out chair”. Getting baptized isn’t going to do shit; the last time I checked, splashing water on your head washes away sins, not the stench of douchebaggery. Plus, has anyone asked Christ what he wants? Maybe he doesn’t want a closer relationship with Justin Bieber. Maybe every time he sees an incoming prayer from Justin on his phone, he mutters “Oh, fuck off” before hitting ‘decline’ and then seeks validation from his friends that he didn’t do anything wrong. “Ugh, you guys, does that make me a bad person?? I, like, never do that; but he’s just soooooo awful. I shouldn’t feel bad, right?” (“OMG Jesus, no! Do NOT even feel bad.”)
Here’s more of a post-pool shopping Justin in NYC posing for pictures with some fans. Hey fans? You need to get your shit together too; waiting outside in a snow storm for a pop star with a declining career trajectory is a sure sign that it’s time to let Jesus take the wheel: