Joan Collins is life’s greatest and wisest Sage and when she gifts the world with rhinestone-encrusted words of wisdom we should all adjust our lives according to her advice. Every night, I squeeze my skinny fat body into a bath tub full of Mr. Bubbles and sip on a Diamond Water bottle full of white zinfandel mixed with soda water, because Joan has made it perfectly clear that the three keys to staying glamorous are diamonds, bubble baths and champagne. The fourth key is to become majority shareholder in your arch rival’s company, which is why I try to win at least one game of Monopoly on my iPhone a week.
Pull out your notebooks, because Joan Collins is spitting out some priceless advice again. Joan was on Loose Women yesterday promoting her one-woman show and they asked the 81-year-old glamour goddess what are the top three most important things in her 11 year marriage with her 48-year-old fifth husband Percy Gibson and she said:
“Sex, sex, sex.”
Smear the strawberries and champagne-scented lube all over your fuck parts and get it in as much as you can, whores, because Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan has spoken! The keys to happiness are diamonds, bubble baths, champagne, corporate takeovers and SEX!