When You Get That Many Kids Together It’s Considered A Daycare, Not A Club

You know things are bad when Miley Cyrus is giving you life advice that makes sense.

During an appearance Thursday night on The Tonight Show, Miley was asked by Mac Tonight’s half-brother, Jay Leno, if there was any advice she’d give to her long-lost twin sister, Tuff Toddler. Miley could write a book with all her freon-huffing folksy wisdom (Chapter 7: A Squirrel In The Hand Is Worth Two Twerks In The Bush, Y’all) so imagine my surprise when she answered his question with something rational, reasonable, and – shock of all shockers – smart:

“You’ve got a lot of money. Pay people to make sure you don’t get in trouble, and party at your house. Buy a house, and add a club to it.”

She also went on to say that her fans can keep waiting for a Miley Mugshot (which would no doubt be taken at the Walmart portrait studio) because she’s not doing anything illegal. Well, technically it’s not illegal to expose your grime-covered tongue in public, but it should be (write your congressman).

As much shade as I normally throw Miley – and I throw so much, my driver’s license picture is a palm tree – I have to shake my head in agreement with her. Justin should be trying to hide his bad kid antics like every other underage kid does: getting drunk off a bottle of Malibu in the laundry room with their friends, smoking salvia out of an empty 7UP can in the backyard behind the shed, or trying to fuck on the low in the crawlspace on top of a storage bin filled with Legos. And he should be paying someone to watch his ass, because he’s proven so many times in the past two weeks that he’s not grown up enough to be left on his own. What Justin needs is a baby sitter to make sure he doesn’t try to drive the car or throw eggs at the neighbor’s house, and with all his money, he can afford the very best (personally, I’d recommend either Kristy Thomas or Claudia Kishi).

Shakira And RiRi Get Into Some Fake Gayelle Groping In Their New Video

Shakira and RiRi’s song “Can’t Remember To Forget You” (which is what I’ll be saying later when I still have this wreck of a song stuck in my head) is a direct assault on eardrums and it sounds like two rabid goats fighting over an apple, but if you’re into two pop tricks rubbing each other’s magnificent nalgitas and lezzing it up for the camera, then the video makes up for the song.

Joseph Kahn, who directed this, probably told them to pretend like they’re two cats in heat who just got attacked by billions of fleas, because they’re scratching their asses against the wall and writhing on a mattress like they need the Q-tip and a flea bath at the same time. Nomi Malone and Cristal Conners will always be the reigning Queens of fake lesbian-on-fake lesbian action, but Shakira and RiRi tried to come for their throne.

I am all for pop chicks selling it hard by dry humping on each other (see: Madge & Brit Brit, Madge & Miley, Madge & Xtina, Madge & everybody, etc….), but when are we going to finally get two pop dudes selling it to the gay gaze by grabbing on each other. And no, the Biebs and Usher don’t count.

Random, Thy Name Is Dax Shepard Offering Tom Arnold His Sperm

Pictures like this always confuse me, because it just goes to show that you really have no idea who is friends with who in Hollywood. Tom Arnold and Dax Shepard? Okay…I guess? I mean, it could be more random. Dax Shepard and Sherri Shepherd. Tom Arnold and Justin Bieber. Kristen Bell and the sloth community. But they’re friends, and apparently closer friends than any of us knew (because I know you’re all aggressively keeping up with Tom Arnold’s friendships). How close? Close enough for Dax to give Tom his boner juice.

According to Us Weekly, Dax and Kristen offered to donate a ziploc of jizz to Tom after finding out there was a VACANCY sign hanging above his balls. Before I go any further, that’s where sperm is made, right? The balls? I’m sorry, but if Slim Goodbody didn’t talk about it, I have no idea what it does. Anyways, Tom tried to have a baby with his first three wives, couldn’t make it happen, and figured the same thing would happen with his 4th wife, Ashley Groussman. After two miscarriages with Groussman, Tom realized his lil’ swimmers were fucking things up and that if he ever wanted to become a father, they were going to have to find a sperm donor. Dax and Kristen were filming Hit and Run with Tom at the time, and suggested he use Dax’s sperm. Tom was cool with it, but his wife wasn’t (fuck that; I’d accept the sperm of anyone from Idiocracy) so eventually they went to Sharon Stone’s fertility doctor and successfully got knocked up. Sharon Stone; another name to file in the folder marked ‘Tom Arnold’s Random Friendships’.

At first, all of this felt very “Wait, what?” but it kind of makes sense. Dax and Kristen seem like actual down-to-earth people who wouldn’t think it was weird to offer a friend some of their extra semen, and so far they seem to be making decent parenting decisions, like choosing not to pimp out their baby to the paps (“What good is a baby if you can’t make money off it?” – Kim K). At least with Dax, you’d be getting decent sperm; not everyone gets so lucky with their sperm donor:

Happy Friday, Here’s Rob Ford Getting Tickled

Seeing this picture of Mayor TomatoFace McCrackie getting tickled by Frank Di Giorgio, Toronto’s Chief Budget Officer Councillor, made me briefly wish that I had a Tickle-Me-Crackhead doll of my own until I realized that it would be fun and tickles until it pawned off my TV to buy crack, burned holes in my living room rug while smoking crack with its crackie friends and worse, tried to defend the douchery of Justin Bieber to me. So I’ll just enjoy this picture of Stay Puft Marshmallow Crackhead getting tickled from afar. But you know, maybe there’s more to this picture. Maybe Frank is looking for Rob’s secret crack stash. This is the most adorable (and vomit-inducing) pat down ever.

And I bet that right after this, Rob Ford had a giant, juicy wet spot on the back of his pants. He looks like the type who sharts when he gets tickled.

(Pic via AP)

Pay Attention Madonna – This Is How ‘Sexy Twerking Memaw’ Is Done

Even though the word ‘twerk’ and the act of twerking are as dead to me as a bloated #YOLO washing up on the banks of the River Swag, I can still find some room in my heart to let in one last display of a white person trying to ass-bump an invisible ghost. Immediately after watching this video of Helen Mirren getting her twerk-on, I’m boarding up the coffin lid with nails and lowering it into the grave plot reserved for the Dutty Wine (because for some reason, that dance move is resurrected nightly in my kitchen after my 2nd glass of Baileys).

Because Dame Helen Mirren is the best at pretty fucking much everything, she was FINALLY given the Harvard Hasty Pudding award for Woman of the Year. I’m sure a meaningless award given by an American college might mean nothing to you, but for some of us, receiving a gold-plated snack bowl and getting to ride around in a convertible beside a dude dressed like Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez is the pinnacle of success. Plus, their award ceremony is more fun than the Oscars drunk booty calling the Golden Globes. During the ceremony, Helen was asked to play a game of charades and one of the words she got was TWERKING. After doing some weird shovelling gesture (is that what twerking is in England? “Just ‘avin a twerk in the garden with a fag”) she finally lets the DGAF wash over her and squats down for a rump pump.

Now, it’s not the best twerk game I’ve ever seen (I once saw a dude twerking at McDonalds for a McChicken sandwich) but it’s pretty damn good for an old one who’s been put on the spot and doesn’t even really want to do it. Plus, she didn’t have any music! If they knew they had a card in that pile that said TWERKING, then it’s their responsibility to also provide her with a couple of songs to pop dat pussy to. And maybe a shirtless dude to twerk on.

Here’s more of Dame Helen playing charades (I’m sure calling someone an Owl of Ga Hoole in an insult in one of the nerdier cosplay communities) and riding the Excuse My Beauty Express through town:

(Pics: Wenn)

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For January 30th!

I love my new windshield wiper but sometimes the fluid comes out too soon. – daisy100

Upvote winner:

The Hammahonda.- Texndoc

via Break