No, you’re not looking at a still from Tim Burton’s future remake of Disney’s Maleficent, where Maleficent is played by a sans-fards Winona Ryder, Sleeping Beauty is played by Amber Heard (because that bitch could teach a master class in acting like you’re falling asleep), and Johnny Depp plays the prince, the 3 fairies, the voice of the dragon, and the man who reminds you that Tim Burton can no longer be trusted to make good movies.
The crazy thing is, what I just described isn’t so far-fetched. According to Radar Online, Winona used to think about the idea of reuniting with Johnny Depp and Tim Burton for a film and get the same tinglies she used to get every time she’d wear her extra-large stealin’ coat to Saks, but NOT ANYMORE! Ever since Johnny left his long-term girlfriend and baby mama, Vanessa Paradis, for 27-year-old Amber, Wino’s feelings for Jack Sparrow have been downgraded from ‘We cool’ to ‘No bitch, we ain’t cool’:
“The way he conducted that affair really upset Winona and turned her off to Johnny,” the insider said.
“The thing she especially can’t stand is how all of Johnny’s middle-aged friends, even Tim Burton, are cheering this relationship on like it’s appropriate, when Winona is telling her own friends that it’s absolutely not.
“She’s pulled a 180 on her opinion of Johnny and his cronies because she thinks it’s a sad cliché that he’d dump his long-term baby mama for a woman in her twenties.”
I guess she’s never seen this chart tracking how Johnny Depp keeps getting older but his on-screen love interests stay around the same age (how David Wooderson of you, Johnny). Here’s why she shouldn’t take their relationship that seriously: Statistics have shown there’s like a 90% guarantee that if you’re a rich dude turning 50, you’re going to wake up one morning with the overwhelming desire to leave your wife and find something young and dumb to stick your dick in. Then, after 6-12 months of having to listen to the same goddamn story about “This one time, at Coachella…” they finally realize they’ve made a terrible mistake, pack up her High School Musical overnight bag, and send her home. Winona needs to understand that she’s no longer dealing with her friend Johnny; Johnny’s gone away for a while, and his mid-life crisis is now in charge.