Random, Thy Name Is Dax Shepard Offering Tom Arnold His Sperm

January 31, 2014 / Posted by:

Pictures like this always confuse me, because it just goes to show that you really have no idea who is friends with who in Hollywood. Tom Arnold and Dax Shepard? Okay…I guess? I mean, it could be more random. Dax Shepard and Sherri Shepherd. Tom Arnold and Justin Bieber. Kristen Bell and the sloth community. But they’re friends, and apparently closer friends than any of us knew (because I know you’re all aggressively keeping up with Tom Arnold’s friendships). How close? Close enough for Dax to give Tom his boner juice.

According to Us Weekly, Dax and Kristen offered to donate a ziploc of jizz to Tom after finding out there was a VACANCY sign hanging above his balls. Before I go any further, that’s where sperm is made, right? The balls? I’m sorry, but if Slim Goodbody didn’t talk about it, I have no idea what it does. Anyways, Tom tried to have a baby with his first three wives, couldn’t make it happen, and figured the same thing would happen with his 4th wife, Ashley Groussman. After two miscarriages with Groussman, Tom realized his lil’ swimmers were fucking things up and that if he ever wanted to become a father, they were going to have to find a sperm donor. Dax and Kristen were filming Hit and Run with Tom at the time, and suggested he use Dax’s sperm. Tom was cool with it, but his wife wasn’t (fuck that; I’d accept the sperm of anyone from Idiocracy) so eventually they went to Sharon Stone’s fertility doctor and successfully got knocked up. Sharon Stone; another name to file in the folder marked ‘Tom Arnold’s Random Friendships’.

At first, all of this felt very “Wait, what?” but it kind of makes sense. Dax and Kristen seem like actual down-to-earth people who wouldn’t think it was weird to offer a friend some of their extra semen, and so far they seem to be making decent parenting decisions, like choosing not to pimp out their baby to the paps (“What good is a baby if you can’t make money off it?” – Kim K). At least with Dax, you’d be getting decent sperm; not everyone gets so lucky with their sperm donor:

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