As expected, Madge and Miley Cyrus performed a mash-up of “Don’t Tell Me/We Can’t Stop” on MTV Unplugged tonight and damn it was a hoedown, hoeup mess! I guess Miley and Madge both shrugged and said in unison, “Rehearsals? Who needs it? Let’s smoke pot and make out with each other instead since we’re both 21 year old girls!”
If Regina George and Regina’s mom were dirt poor, lived in Appalachia and huffed a whole lot of freon from other people’s air conditioning units before they won the lottery and moved to the big city, this is the mother/daughter performance they’d do during the talent show at Regina’s new private high school:
All together now: JUST STOP! PLEASE! WE’RE NOT TELLING YOU. WE’RE BEGGING YOU.
But you know, it was almost so weird and tragic that I loved it. It was like watching a veteran seasoned stripper and an amateur stripper grind together during the 9am-12pm shift at a strip club in Texas that’s frequented by drifters who can only afford to tip them in squirrel meat and random motel keys. Madge looked awkward and uncomfortable and they both looked like they were forced to do it.
Madge looked like a half-assed La Tigresa Del Oriente impersonator and Miley looked like Hilary Swank as Brandon Teena as seen through the eyes of Harmony Korine. And Miley’s outfit. The hell? It looked like the outfit Punky Brewster wore when she was brutally mauled by hyenas.
And since Miley looks like a 17-year-old boy, Madge is totally going to start dating her. I’m calling it now.