Vin Diesel Shows Webcam Girls Everywhere How It’s Done

You know we live in a weird post-modern what-the-fuck world when the question “What’s your favorite video of Vin Diesel singing to himself?” could be a viable ice breaker on a date. It really says a lot about a person. For example, the only acceptable answer is Stay; anything else means you’re a potential serial killer.

Since Vin Diesel needed something to do to beat the boredom during his downtime between Fast and the Furious movies, he’s borrowed a page from active duty soldiers and started filming hilarious low-budget videos and uploading them to YouTube. Unfortunately, I have to give Vin’s performance of Katy Perry’s Dark Horse and Beyoncé’s Drunk in Love a C-. As of last week, the bar was set for sing-a-long videos by the Swedish Marines, and sadly Vin doesn’t meet the minimum standards required of greatness. I had to remove points for the shameless plug, those Old Navy-looking cammo shorts, and for the misuse of black and white. Come on Vin; everyone knows that shooting in black and white is reserved solely for fuck-ballads.

But I don’t want my critique of Vin’s performance to stifle his future creativity; I think he has potential and would love to see more of his uncomfortably sexual turtle mating dance in the future, even if his reasons for doing so are questionable at best. Someone needs to tell Vin that busting a move because Riddick hit #1 on the DVD charts is not something to be proud of. To the best of my knowledge, the only people who still buy DVDs are deadbeat dads who don’t have the credit history needed for a Time Warner basic cable package and need something to other than Cum On My Tattoo 2 to watch during supervised visits with Shasta and Payden. Save that next dance for something big, Vin (like getting the green light on a sequel to The Pacifier).