Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness Is Suing 22 Of His Fans For $1 Million Each (UPDATE)

January 28, 2014 / Posted by:

UPDATE: And a millisecond after I hit the publish button, TMZ says that Prince has dropped the lawsuit. Prince has either grown a sliver of a heart, or he put a hit out on those fans instead, or the lawsuit had a typo in it and he meant to sue them for $1 billion each. I’m going with the last one. Anyway, here’s the original post.

Things that Prince loves: Dunk-a-roos, sexy people, New Girl, Jehovah, grape-flavored lip chap for his anus (I’m taking a wild guess with that one) and perfectly manicured staches shaped like an upside down, headless man hugging the sky.

Things that Prince still hates: Non-sexy people and fans putting his music on the internet without a signed permission slip from him.

A little over ten days ago, Prince lined up 22 of his fans and one by one he climbed up a 4-foot-tall step ladder in front of them and slapped them in the face with a lawsuit for linking to videos from his concerts in the 80s and beyond. The Wrap says that Prince is suing 22 fans, mostly Facebook users, for copyright infringement and has accused them of “up to thousands of separate acts of infringement and bootlegging.” The fans allegedly put up links to Torrent sites and other places where you can download unauthorized clips of Prince performing in concert. Some of the fans set up pages or blogs devoted to sharing the clips. The Purple One doesn’t like it and wants $1 million from each of them and wants a permanent injunction to stop them from continuing to link his shit. Here’s a small piece of the ten million page lawsuit, which was filed in San Francisco on January 16th.

“Defendants, rather than publishing lawful content to their blogs, typically publish posts that list all the songs performed at a certain Prince live show and then provide a link to a file sharing service where unauthorized copies of the performance can be downloaded.

[The defendants] constitute an interconnected network of bootleg distribution which is able to broadly disseminate unauthorized copies of Prince’s musical compositions and live performances”

Suing his own fans for $1 million each?! Prince is the kind of cold-hearted, melodramatic, petty little evil villainess who Charles Dickens had wet dreams about. That bitch has always been mean and he’s getting meaner.

Well, he’s probably going to lose…… unless he shows up in court. The defendants will be at their desks, thinking they got this, and then all of a sudden the doors will magically open and a cloud of purple smoke and crying doves will flow into the room. At first the defendants will only see the top of a sparkly afro and as it gets closer and closer they’ll see Prince’s face as he throws them the meanest, cuntiest, bitchiest look they’ve ever seen. He’ll throw a side-eye that even Jehovah doesn’t want to witness. When that mean little purple gnome throws you a side-eye, you immediately declare yourself guilty and throw all your jooree and money at him before running for your life.

(Pic via VMan)

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