Heidi Klum Is No Longer Fornicating With The Help

In more “breakups that make you want to punch a cherub and cry for the death of true love” news (served in several puffy layers of sarcasm), Heidi Klum and that bodyguard who went from protecting her and her family to protecting her coochie with his peen have broken up and they’re fucking done professionally and personally. A source (I’m guessing Heidi’s publicist’s first name is Source, it’s Norwegian) tells People that after a year and a half of living the basic cable, low-budget version of The Bodyguard, Heidi and Martin WhateverHisNameIsItDoesntMatter are no longer together and he’s no longer on her payroll. Heidi is free to fornicate with other members of the help! One day you’re in Heidi’s cooch, the next day you’re out.

“Martin was there for her during a challenging time in her life and it was something she will always be grateful for. They are no longer working together.”

“Martin was there for her during a challenging time in her life” is such a professional way of saying “Martin’s rebound dick was good and he fucked the pain of her marriage ending right out of her and she and her vagine will always be grateful to him for that.” The bad news for Martin is that he’s out of a job and had to move out of Heidi’s mansion. The good news is that he never married Heidi’s ass and so he doesn’t have to suffer through the pain of renewing his vows with her every goddamn painful year.