The last trailer for Disney’s Maleficent was a pile of shit and it made it look like that mess of a movie was pasted together using leftover scenes from Slow White and the Huntsman and that CGI bukkake called Alice in Wonderalnd. The newest trailer, which was shat up during the Grammys last night, still looks Slow White’s CGI backwash, but it doesn’t look as much of a piece of trash as it did before. It’s obvious that St. Angie Jolie’s serious cheekbones steal the movie and they should get top billing. Those cheekbones could cut a whore up. Either they vacuum sealed St. Angie’s face some more so her natural cheekbones really popped or they made a rubber replica of Phoebe Price’s chicken cutlet cheeks and pasted them on St. Angie’s face. If Maleficent wanted to toss your salad, you’d have to wear armored panties with a hole cut out over your no-no or she’d slice your nalgas right up with those shankified cheekbones of her. In this version, Aurora probably pricks her finger on Maleficent’s cheekbones instead of on a spinning wheel’s spindle.
The new trailer also has Lana Del Rey’s cover of “Once Upon a Dream.” It’s typical Lana. She sounds like she’s singing it while lying in a hot bath after downing a bottle of red wine and a couple Lunestas. Maleficent probably skips the whole spindle thing and puts that Aurora trick to sleep by playing her this song.