Because I live in the land of the past known as the West Coast, the Grammys aren’t on live here (fuck you, CBS!). Even though it’s happening almost four farts away from my house, I can’t watch that cesspool of fuckery as it happens. So I’m watching the Grammys through clips. I tried watching a live feed of it, but it was so blurry and janky that it could’ve been a live stream from John Travolta’s colon cam for all I know. You know, mostly full of shit, but a sparkle from a shard of glitter here and there.
Anyway, Beyonce and Jay-Z opened the Grammys and it was like House of Dereon: After Dark. Beyonce copied RuPaul’s Drag Race by LIP-SYNCHING FOR HER LIFE. She copied Flashdance and Chicago with those stripper chair moves. And she copied a horny cat in heat itching for that Q-tip when she did this move:
But what’s really offensive is that Beyonce copied a chola-on-the-go with that hair. Any chola who’s in a rush, stays glamorous by applying massive amounts of L.A. Looks gel right after getting out of the shower and then she air dries her mop by keeping the windows rolled all the way down while she drives to work. Instant crunchy curls! And Jay-Z got into the copying game by copying the dance moves of somebody’s alcoholic grandpa who just had a stroke and suffers from full-body arthritis.