I Guess There’s A Rob Kardashian In Every Family
In between the segments Five MORE Surprising Super Foods and How Gross Are Your Toenails (answer: so gross) Dr. Oz recently taught me about Birth Order, aka the theory that when you fell out of your mom’s cha-cha determines how well you’ll do in life. For instance, first borns are usually doctors and lawyers (or bloggers hunched over a computer, elbow-deep into their second bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos), middle children are usually teachers, the youngest are sassy lil’ devils, and pets are usually the favorite child so get used to it. He never said what it means when you’re the younger brother to a bunch of older sisters, but I’m going to go ahead and assume it means you’re bound to start a business where you sell shit nobody asked for. Case in point, Duchess Kate and Pippa Middleton’s younger brother James Middleton.
According to Us Weekly, those dusty-looking styrofoam squares are actually custom-made marshmallows by James’s company Boomf. For $20, James will print your G-rated Instagram pictures (no dicks? NOT INTERESTED) on crappy edible paper and stick them to 9 homemade marshmallows. He chose marshmallows, because he wanted something that could be packed flat and easily mailed to friends. Good job, James; nothing says ‘Help me, I’m making so many life mistakes’ like sending your friends an envelope full of sticky white goo covered in pictures of sunsets.
He sort of had me at marshmallows, but lost me at pictures; those edible photographs always give me the dry heaves. They get too moist and all the dark ink starts to run and the cake ends up looking like something the Ninja Turtles made in the sewer for Splinter’s birthday, or they warp and make everyone’s face look like Rocky Dennis. If you really want to impress a friend or loved one, skip the edible photo and do like I do: dump an entire jar of the coagulated circus clown jizz known as Betty Crocker Rainbow Chip Frosting on a Sarah Lee pound cake and call it a day. Voilà, instant party.
(Pics via Instagram)