Bad News: Tantrum Toddler Might Not Have Actually Been Drag Racing

January 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Please join me in a chorus of Didn’t We Almost Have It All; I need this. It’s been a real roller coaster of emotions for me this week. First I was high, high as an eagle, when I heard the wonderful news that Justin Bieber was arrested for drinking too much Capri Sun and re-enacting his favourite scenes from Cars 2. Then I was low, low as Val Kilmer’s career, when I read that he may not have been that drunk. And now, TMZ is kicking me while I’m down, because they’re reporting that Justin might not have even been speeding:

According to the police report, cops spotted Justin and his buddy Khalil drag racing at around 4 AM. The police report says an officer observed the 2 vehicles reaching speeds between 55 and 60 MPH.

Cops say they noticed the “drag race” on the 2600 block of Pine Tree Drive. Cops were traveling in the opposite direction so they made a U turn and pursued the cars for 15 blocks. TMZ has learned the place where Justin and Khalil rented the cars attached a GPS device that also tracks speed.

The GPS clocked both cars at 27 MPH at the 3500 block of Pine Tree Drive, smack in the middle of the so-called “drag race.” There’s only one time they ever broke 50 MPH and that was long before the pursuit started. When Justin and Khalil left the club, one car was briefly clocked at 52 MPH and the other 47 MPH. Both drivers slowed down pretty quick and 5 blocks before cops noticed them they were going 34 MPH in a 30 MPH zone. Blocks later, they were steady at 27 MPH.

NOOOOO! Why won’t you let the Miami police be great, TMZ? They descended from Heaven like angels to remove that little ass-cramp from our lives and bring happiness to the people. We were happy, TMZ! We cried tears of joy! Why do you hate us?!?

Here’s more of Justin’s My Buddy-looking ass basking in his freedom as he leaves his Miami hotel with his deadbeat dad. It’s really nothing new – If you’ve seen one picture of Justin dressed like your 5-year-old cousin wearing Bubbie’s sunglasses and gold jewellery, you’ve seen ‘em all. Except one picture, that stood out and made me feel a little better about things:

Justin Bieber leaving his South Beach hotel

Don’t forget his skateboards and his blankie! Justin won’t go down for a nap without blankie. And try not to carry it by the corners; he sucks on them to fall asleep and they can get pretty soggy.

(Pics via Splash)

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