I’m inquiring on behalf of humanity.
Apologies to those of you who thought you’d be able to put all this Fast and the Fuwious: Big Wheels Drift business behind you and end your week with an uplifting story like Kim Kardashian falling on her ass or something, because I have bad news. Justin Bieber’s Terrible Toddler Tour is still chugging full steam ahead on the shitbag express, and he’s making stops at every town to leave a bunch of nasty diapers filled with greasy Goldfish cracker poo.
After being removed from his playpen in a Miami jail, Bieber’s first order of business was to channel his inner Michael Jackson and get on top of his SUV to wave at a crowd of his fans (or maybe it was just a massive group of people checking-in to jail. It is Florida, after all). Then, in case we didn’t get it the first time, he Instagrammed a picture of himself beside MJ with the caption:
“What more can they say” (emoji crown)
For. Fucks. Sakes.
Of course he’s dumb enough to compare himself to Michael Jackson. I guess all that sizzurp made him forget that Michael was an extremely talented entertainer who was arrested for some very bad no-no shit that went down at the Neverland Ranch, and Justin is entitled spoiled baby who was arrested for driving like a dumb shithead despite being almost sober (to his credit, he blew a .014, but that’s like a .45 in toddler sizes). The only thing that makes sense about putting these two pictures side-by-side is that it looks like Michael is trying to get Justin’s attention so he can hand him a VIP invitation to the Neverland Ranch. “Hey Justin! Tell your mom you want to celebrate your 9th birthday with me!”
And I hope this is the last of the Bieber news for a while, because I’d like to sum everything up with the wise words of Seth Rogen:
MARRY ME. MARRY ALL OF US.
(Pic via Instagram)