They Grow Up So Fast: Baby Got His First DUI

January 23, 2014 / Posted by:

When Justin Bieber’s delusional and enabling mom Patti Mallette commanded you to pray for her son, most of us got our knees, put our hands together and prayed for the shit-covered wart on humanity’s left ass lip to get arrested and get deported back to Canada. Your prayers halfway worked. Thanks, Patti!

TMZ and pretty much every other damn news source in the world reports that the hardest Wild Boy on the Montessori Kindergarten playground got what he finally wanted, he got arrested. I know, it’s so hard for a white boy to get busted. The Lesbeaver should be arrested for being The Lesbeaver, but he got busted for drag racing, driving while under the influence of some mind numbing shit (read: Sizzurp laced with maple syrup), resisting arrest and driving on an expired license. You’re probably thinking that you used to ride your Big Wheels hard through your neighborhood and you never got pulled over by the cops, but this is Justin Bieber and nobody goes harder than that thug toddler.

The Miami New Times says that after leaving a club in Miami early this morning, Justin drove a rented yellow Lamborghini to a residential area and because everybody in his entourage is as fucked in the brains as he is, they blocked off the street so he could race against some rapper named Khalil.  When the cops pulled Justin over for speeding, he was barely coherent, but my question is, is the bitch ever coherent? He took a sobriety test and failed and when they asked him to take his hands out of his pockets, he refused. The criminal egg thrower was arrested, his passenger (some Instagram model named Chantel Jeffries) was arrested and Khalil was arrested. He’s currently at the police department where they’re booking him, taking baby’s first mug shot and checking to see what his booze alcohol level is.

THIS STORY! This story is like a wide open ovary egg and the tears the Beliebers are shedding on Twitter is like potent jizz and together they’re making me give birth to a littler of YESes! An alert on my iPhone woke me up at the hour of the ungodly this morning and when I looked at it and saw the words “Justin Bieber Arrested For DUI And Drag Racing,” the singing voices of angels filled my ears and I got the image of The Lesbeaver drunkenly walking down the Drag Race catwalk in front of a side-eye throwing RuPaul. The best part is that this happened in Florida! Oh Florida, when you deliver, you really deliver. This story should come with a card attached that reads, “See, whores, we are good for something. Love, Florida.”

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