I Didn’t Know They Had Rehab For Beady-Eyed Bangaholic Gold Diggers

January 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Wow, another story about a douche-nozzle being put away? I had to check today’s date, because all these too-good-to-be-true stories had me convinced it was April 1st. When it rains it pours. Who even knows what we’ll finish the day with. Crosses fingers for Kanye and Kim to confirm a move to anywhere but here.

According to People, the streets run salty with the tears of a million Hooters girls and cocktail waitresses because the Patron Saint of Grab-Ass, Dean McDermott, has checked into rehab. If Tori Spelling is looking for ideas for her next fake family photo-shoot, I suggest glitter-gluing the following statement on a piece of poster board:

“I am truly sorry for the mistakes I have made and for the pain I’ve caused my family,” he tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. “I take full responsibility for my actions and have voluntarily checked myself into a treatment center to address some health and personal issues. I am grateful to be getting the help I need so I can become the husband and father my family deserves.”

…but what he meant to say was this:

“What’s crappenin? Things haven’t been going so well for the ol’ Deaner ever since he got back from Canada. You know how it is; the wife caught me fucking some chicks and maybe also some dudes (hey – a hole is a hole, amirite brahs?!?) and now Tori’s making me check into rehab, because apparently getting your dick wet is a crime. Fuckin’ wives, right? Also I kinda owe some guys in Canada money, so it’s best if Deano lays low for a while. Keep it Sleazy – D”

Either Dean is the world’s smartest gold digger (congrats on being described as smart for the first time, Dean!) or Tori is a stage 5 clinger and WILL NOT EVER LET GO, because none of this makes any sense. Rehab? Rehab for what? He’s a cheater, and to the best of my knowledge, you can’t fix cheater. But a gold diggers gotta do what a gold diggers gotta do; if Dean has to spend some time crying in group therapy over a mug of hot Sanka, it will all be worth it down the road when he clickity clack makes that Candy Spelling money.

(Pic via Splash)

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