After vandalizing his neighbor’s house and the police search warrant shit-storm that followed, Justin Bieber – CEO of Wild Kidz Incorporated (a group that makes Kids Incorporated look like the Wu Tang Clan) decided that sticking around and being held accountable for his actions like a man was ‘too scawwy’, so he ran and hid in in his treehouse. NO! He doesn’t have a treehouse anymore, he’s a big boy. He ran and hid anywhere that wasn’t Los Angeles, first in Colorado to piss his name in the snow, then to Miami to spend $75,000 on strippers, and probably getting high as a kite during the whole trip (which probably looked a little something like this).
Since Justin is only 19 years old, a lot of us are screaming “COME GET YOUR SON!” at Justin’s mom, Pattie Mallette, and wondering why the hell she hasn’t tracked him down and whipped his ass home like a normal parent. But according to The Sun (via Daily Mail) Justin’s Mom, who’s tried nothing and is all out of ideas, says that if we really want to help Justin, we should pull a Katy Perry and pray for him:
“I think so many people go into the entertainment industry with amazing Christian roots and they get influenced somehow. I ask that people keep me and Justin in their minds. I pray for him every day. If Justin’s struggling, don’t kick him when he’s down or condemn him – pray for him.”
Hey Pattie? You know that if prayer actually worked, your son would have mysteriously vanished a long time ago. I don’t have the most recent figures, but I believe the breakdown of the prayers God receives is as follows:
41% – “Dear God, please make Justin Bieber go away”
39% – “Dear God, please ask Satan to take back Kris Jenner”
11% – “Dear God, I wish I hadn’t eaten that extra pizza”
8% – People shouting ‘Oh God’ during sex
1% – Miscellaneous (starving kids, floods, etc)
And ‘amazing Christian roots’ my ass; just because you do prayer hands on the red carpet every once in a while and thank God when you win a Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award doesn’t mean you get to erase all the times you’ve been a shitty, entitled douchebag.
(Pic via Splash)