When I first read about Anne Hathaway’s near-death experience in Hawaii, I got really nervous because I had just drank 3 mugs of Theraflu and had convinced myself I made her almost drown with some kind of Jedi mind powers. As it turns out, I don’t need to pack up all my things and move to an undisclosed location in the desert to avoid an attempted murder charge, because according to The Huffington Post, she wasn’t drowning at all. I mean, she was being a dramatic attention whore, but not anymore than she usually is:
While attending the Sundance premiere of her movie “Song One,” Hathaway said: “I’m fine. … I really do appreciate everybody’s concern but that was a picture that had a false story attached to it. The real story is not as interesting.”
She also joked to a reporter that someone told her to say she was playing Charades and “pulled Titanic.”
The real story is that Poseidon hated that stupid fucking ‘It came true’ Oscar speech as much as the rest of us, and vowed to extract revenge on her for making him roll his eyes so hard he pulled a muscle and had to wear eye patches until they healed. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to follow-through with the drowning because Triton, his parole officer, reminded him that he already has two strikes and that the last time he was in prison, he almost got shanked by an octopus. Did I just say ‘shanked by an Octopus?’ Excuse me, that’s the Theraflu talking again.
Here’s more of Ann-with-an-E-GODDAMMIT Hathaway and Mr. Anne Hathaway (his name isn’t important) walking around Sundance wearing a pair of animal mittens that have probably tried to call PETA more than a dozen times. “Free us from the cruelty of having to hang out with her annoying ass every day!”
(Pics via FlameFlynet, Splash)