Step aside, Kim, Kourtney, She Hulk, The Sock One, Marla Hooch, Kris, Kendall (there are too many damn
witches in this coven people in this family) and make way for the most glamorous Kardashian, BRUCIE! Bruce Jenner was the definition of ‘Excuse my beauty, HAGS’ when he stepped out in Malibu on Saturday with long, elegant nails. I wish I could grow out beauty talons like Bruce, but mine are as stumpy as Kim’s legs, so instead I’ll stare in awe of Bruce’s hands and wonder why they haven’t been scouted by Ford Models yet. Here, let’s get a closer look:
That left hand looks like a picture out of a goddamned Modern Bride magazine, doesn’t it? I feel like at any second he’s going to throw his hand up in the air and scream to his best gurls: HE WENT TO JARED!!! I love your nails Bruce, but here’s a tip: squoval nails are more of a Khole thing (easier to crush and smash without breakage), so next time you’re at Beautiful Nail, ask them to file them in a prettier almond shape.
I know that Bruce is generally pretty quiet and reserved, but he needs to let his inner diva out because aaaavrythang about Bruce is working these days: dat hair, dem nails, those glorious hairless arms, his recent dropping of 150lbs of pure satan. Bruce is literally 2 spray tans and a belly button piercing away from entering a room by saying “Listen up 5s, a 10 is speaking!” You do you, Bruce, and don’t let the haters be jealous of your boogie.
Here’s more of Bruce stomping the parking lot like it’s a damn runway while carrying a giant black paddle. Don’t get too attached to that paddle, Bruce; the handle will no doubt mysteriously go missing the minute you invite Kim over.
(Pics via Splash)