As expected, the First Lady of the Illuminati performed at the 50th birthday party of the First Lady of the United States on Saturday night. Beyonce (the gorgeous blonde white woman in the picture above) put on one of Tina Turner’s old dresses and sang “Single Ladies” and “Irreplaceable” for Michelle Obama while Obama did the Dougie in front of 500 guests. It was just like my mom’s 50th birthday party, but instead of Obama doing the dougie, my drunk tio did the barefoot salsa and instead of Beyonce performing, we played a warped Hector Lavoe cassette on a battery-powered Boombox.
The Chicago Tribune says that guests including the Clintons, Jennifer Hudson, Kal Penn, the Bidens, Nancy Pelosi, Donna Brazile, Sir Paul McCartney, Janelle Monae, Ashley Judd, Billie Jean King and Al “White House Sharter” Roker all sipped champagne as Beyonce, John Legend and Stevie Wonder entertained their asses. It was a no cell phone party and they didn’t want anybody uploading pictures to social media. But that didn’t stop Beyonce from taking pictures before and after the party. Beyonce put a bunch of pics on her site including that one above of her with Bo. Or maybe that’s Sunny. All black dogs look the same to me. (No dog racist.)
What’s really fucked up is that Beyonce obviously made her Photoshop team spend hours on touching her up, yet she couldn’t ask them to fix Bo’s eye? Poor Bo. Beyonce made him the Michelle Williams of White House dogs. And if the pictures of Blue Ivy Carter are from this weekend, then the Obamas are just like us! They keep their Christmas tree up until February and if they’re really like my mom, they’ll plant the dead tree in the backyard and pretend it looks pretty.