Open Post: Hosted By Cate Blanchett Jacking Off Her SAG Award

January 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Cate Blanchett continued to win ALL the awards last night when she won Best Actress for playing an Upper East Side Blanche DuBois in Blue Jasmine. (The rest of the winners are here.) Matthew McConaughey won before her and I was already stoned when I watched his speech, but when he opened his mouth and rambled out a spiritual flood of verbal shit about magic and the universe, I got higher. I suddenly found myself soaring naked through the universe before dancing to the “Age of Aquarius” on Planet Bongo. The Texas T-Rex’s head is always filled with a cloud of the good shit, but it was really filled with a cloud of the good shit last night. So when Cate Blanchett was up there and they told her to hurry it up, she let them know that she was going to take her sweet ass time since they let Pastor McHighAsFuck blabber out a weed-induced fuckery sermon. But calling out The Texas T-Rex wasn’t the best part of Cate’s speech. This was:



Bless Cate Blanchett! Whenever I see a ho up there holding their award, I always wonder why they’re not jacking it off, because that’s the first thing I’d do. Get it, Cate! And because she gave the Actor a full-body handjob, I forgive her for wearing an oversized, pink sequined lobster bib (aka what Suri Cruise wears to Red Lobster)!


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