When Pimping Out Your Teenage Kids On TV Goes Wrong

January 16, 2014 / Posted by:

I need to correct that headline. It should read: When Pimping Out Your Teenage Kids On TV Goes RIGHT, because seeing Kate Gosselin contort that silicone oven mitt she calls a face into a “SING OUT, LOUISE!” look is like extra chunky chicken soup for my soul.

Shockingly enough, 13-year-old twins Cara and Mady Gosselin haven’t cut all ties with their bitch monster of a mother, sold her out in a tell-all and used the money to get as far away from her possible and run off to a land she’ll never go (aka a place with no cameras or access to Botox). But Cara and Mady are still with their mom and she’s still using them to keep the Gosselin name on people’s eyeballs. Kate, Cara and Mady were on Today this morning to whore out the interview they did with People last week and when it came time to turn it on, the twins choked and Kate transformed into a low-rent Disney villainess and her hand started sweating, because she wish she had a wooden spoon to spank the words out of them with. The awkward non-conversation went like this:

Savannah: Mady, what would you want to say about how you, your sister and your family are doing?

Mady: Ummmm….

Kate: Mady, your words. It’s your chance, spit it out.

Savannah: What about you, Cara?

Cara: …………..

For the rest of the interview, Kate Gosselin did what she does best: talk out of her ass. At the very end, Cara and Mady must’ve realized that if they don’t try to save the interview their biological mother will punish them by spending the rest of the day with them. Because Mady piped up and said that she and Cara want to do another TV show. When Savannah asked Mady if they want to do another TV show, she said, “Yeah, it was fun. I miss it. Isn’t that how we rehearsed it, Ms. Gosselin? I did just like you said. Please don’t punish us by making us spend time with you. Please give us back to our real mother, the nanny. Please!

And Jon Gosselin will obviously show up on The Insider to cry about this interview and then Kate Gosselin will show up on another show to cry about Jon crying about this interview and while they’re both fighting, Mady and Cara will put all their belongings into a hobo sack and make a run for it.

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