The Oscar Nominations Are Here: And None For You, Oprah!

At the hour of the undead in L.A. this morning, Thor announced which hos worked the award season stroll so hard that they’ve got a sore jaw and calluses on their knees. The nominations for the 86th Oscars were announced and who cares about the nominations, let the screams and cries for the snubs begin! No Tom Hanks for Captain Phillips! No Emma Thompson for Saving Mr. Banks! No Saving Mr. Banks for Best Picture (thank all the fucks for that, because I didn’t want to have to sit through that sappy puddle of dreck)! No Daniel Bruhl for Rush! No Inside Llewyn Davis! And Gayle King better lubricate thoroughly and prepare her loins, because Oprah’s gonna rage eat today. And Gina Gershon was ROBBED! I know Showgirls came out ten million decades ago, but it is my duty to scream that out every year.

Anyway, the old white men of the Academy still have their tongues up American Hustle’s Spanish Fly-scented asshole. David O. Russell must have that good pussy, because American Hustle got a nomination in all of the major categories including Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Director and Best Everything Else. All the nominations are after the cut. Leonardo DiCatchAHo was nominated for snorting Vitamin B powder out of a chick’s ass. Bad Grandpa got a nomination (for best makeup). And breathe in that air while gazing at the land in front of you, because you’re living on a planet where Seth from Superbad is a two-time Oscar nominee. 

Best Picture
American Hustle
Captain Phillips
Dallas Buyers Club
Gravity
Her
Nebraska
Philomena
12 Years a Slave
The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Actor
Christian Bale (American Hustle)
Bruce Dern (Nebraska)
Leonardo DiCaprio (The Wolf of Wall Street)
Chiwetel Ejiofor (12 Years a Slave)
Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club)

Best Actress
Amy Adams (American Hustle)
Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine)
Sandra Bullock (Gravity)
Judi Dench (Philomena)
Meryl Streep (August: Osage County)

Best Supporting Actor
Barkhad Abdi (Captain Phillips)
Bradley Cooper (American Hustle)
Michael Fassbender (12 Years a Slave)
Jonah Hill (The Wolf of Wall Street)
Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club)

Best Supporting Actress
Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle)
Sally Hawkins (Blue Jasmine)
Lupita Nyong’o (12 Years a Slave)
Julia Roberts (August: Osage County)
June Squibb (Nebraska)

Best Director
David O. Russell (American Hustle)
Alfonso Cuaron (Gravity)
Alexander Payen (Nebraska)
Steve McQueen (12 Years a Slave)
Martin Scorsese (The Wolf of Wall Street)

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
Rchard Linklater, Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy (Before Midnight)
Billy Ray (Captain Phillips)
Steve Coogan and Jeff Pope (Philomena)
John Ridley (12 Years a Slave)
Terence Winter (The Wolf of Wall Street)

Writing (Original Screenplay)
Eric Warren Singer and David O. Russell (American Hustle)
Woody Allen (Blue Jasmine)
Craig Borten and Melisa Wallack (Dallas Buyers Club)
Spike Jonze (Her)
Bob Nelson (Nebraska)

Animated Feature Film
The Croods
Despicable Me 2
Ernest & Celestine
Frozen
The Wind Rises

Documentary (Feature)
The Act of Killing
Cutie and the Boxer
Dirty Wars
The Square
20 Feet from Stardom

Foreign Language Film
The Broken Circle Breakdown
The Great Beauty
The Hunt
The Missing Picture
Omar

Cinematography
Philippe Le Sourd (The Grandmaster)
Emmanuel Lubezki (Gravity)
Bruno Delbonnel (Inside Llewyn Davis)
Phedon Papamichael (Nebraska)
Roger Deakins (Prisoners)

Film Editing
American Hustle
Captain Phillips
Dallas Buyers Club
Gravity
12 Years a Slave

Music (Original Score)
John Williams (The Book Thief)
Steven Price (Gravity)
William Butler and Owen Pallett (Her)
Alexandre Desplat (Philomena)
Thomas Newman (Saving Mr. Banks)

Music (Original Song)
“Alone Yet Not Alone” from Alone Yet Not Alone
“Happy” from Despicable Me 2
“Let It Go” from Frozen
“The Moon Song” from Her
“Ordinary Love” from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

Sound Mixing
Captain Phillips
Gravity
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Lone Survivor
Inside Llewyn Davis

Sound Editing
All is Lost
Captain Phillips
Gravity
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Lone Survivor

Production Design
American Hustle
Gravity
The Great Gatsby
Her
12 Years a Slave

Visual Effects
Gravity
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Iron Man 3
The Lone Ranger
Star Trek into Darkness

Costumes
American Hustle
The Grandmaster
The Great Gatsby
The Invisible Woman
12 Years a Slave

Makeup and Hairstyling
Dallas Buyers Club
Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa
The Lone Ranger

Best Documentary Short Subject
CaveDiger
Facing Fear
Karama Has No Walls
The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My Life
Prison Terminal: The Last Days of Private Jack Hall

Best Short Film (Animated)
Feral
Get a Horse!
Mr. Hublot
Possessions
Room on the Broom

Best Short Film (Live Action)
Aquel No Era Yo (That Wasn’t Me)
Avant Que De Tout Perdre (Just Before Losing Everything)
Helium
Pitääkö Mun Kaikki Hoitaa? (Do I Have to Take Care of Everything?)
The Voorman Problem