I get the kind of hots from greasy-grimy dudes that make you wanna leave everything behind and move into a communal yurt and raise a family of stray dogs, so last night was doing all kinds of right for me. Some guys chose to rock the classic greasy bro-ponytail (also known as The Brad Pitt), like Jared Leto, while others went for a more sophisticated messy clip-laden hair nest, like Alex Ebert (who won Best Original Score for the film All Is Lost), and some picked the 3rd Day Dirt bun, like Rashida Jones. I know that last one’s a girl, but she schooled those fools on how to work a greasy bun without looking like you’re waiting in line for over-eager teenage Christians to hand you a sandwich from the Sunrise Baptist Outreach bus (aka very homeless). But you can’t talk about any of these itchy-scalp-having hoes without mentioning the OG of filthy hair, MC Bedbugs himself, Joaquin Phoenix, who managed to slip past the red carpet photographers like a well-dressed Sasquatch and only one clear picture of him was taken.
It’s so hard to choose, but if I had to, my pick of the night goes to Alex Ebert and his hair nest. Kudos to this stylist who artfully balanced filth and ew in a stinky-looking pile with the same claw clips I begged my mom for in 1997. Speaking of 1997, his date is giving such face-body-face-with-too-much-Wet n’ Wild-makeup that I mistook her for Christine Smith, the sluttiest girl in 8th grade. I believe she was wearing a similar Contempo Casuals outfit on the night she was suspended for hoochie-dancing to No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak” with 3 guys at a school dance. I mean, I didn’t see it – I was busy bragging to my friends in the bathroom about how I only wear my retainer at night now – but I heard it was very slutty.