I know, this Open Post Host is gross, but it only seemed fitting.
The Golden Globes red carpet is covered in more useless shit than usual. At around noon today, sewage flooded the red carpet at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. No, Goopy Paltrow wasn’t on the red carpet when the stick up her ass finally fell out, causing all the shit in her to spill out. A pipe broke. So I hope a bunch of tricks slip and fall in it and when Ryan Gaycrest asks them who they’re wearing, they’ll say, “The shit and piss of the people of Beverly Hills.”
Anyway, this is your Golden Globes Open Post, if you’re watching the Golden Globes, because I know EVERYTHING is on TV tonight. I wouldn’t blame you if you said “fuck it” and decided to watch all the episodes of House Hunters International: Where Are They Now? in your DVR instead. If any kind of foolery happens, I’ll try to throw it up tonight if I haven’t passed out on the floor by 6pm my time. Allison, Megan and I will cover all the fuckery tomorrow.
I tried to come up with a drinking game, but it’s best just to keep drinking and if Leonardo DiCatchAHo loses, down a double shot every time he makes a bitchface. And if Lupita Nyong’o loses to Jennifer Lawrence, take all of the booze in your house, pour it in the street, throw a match at it and burn this planet down!
UPDATE: What in Who Is Voting For This Shit Hell happened? Jennifer Lawrence beat Lupita. Let’s burn this bitch down!