Finding out that Lizzie Maguire is going to be a divorcee is like finding a white hair on your ass lip. We’re all old. Hilary Duff’s rep tells E! News that after three short years of being married to Frankenstein’s Canadian monster and former NHL player Mike Comrie, she’s done with being married to him. Hilary and Mike started dating in 2007, they got married in 2010, they made a son named Luca Cruz in 2012 and now they’re going their separate ways. Hilary Duff will no longer get temporarily knocked unconscious when Mike’s brick house head accidentally knocks against her head during missionary and he’ll no longer feel the fear a dude feels when Hilary scrapes those pony teeth against his dick shaft. It’s a sad day. At least we’ll always have this. Hilary’s rep released this canned statement:
“Hilary Duff and husband Mike Comrie have mutually decided to an amicable separation. They remain best friends and will continue to be in each other’s lives. They are dedicated to loving and parenting their amazing son, and ask for privacy at this time.”
Below are pictures from three days ago of the Canadian furniture heir (his family is worth $500 million) giving Hilary a leaf in a park in Beverly Hills. It looks like a sweet moment, but now I know what’s really going on here. Mike gave her that leaf while saying, “Take this leaf, shove it up your ass and savor it, because it’s the only thing you’re going to get from me!” Yes, I live in a bubble where every relationship ends Dynasty-style.