Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Molly Schuyler, mother, wife, bartender at Applebee’s and soon-to-be competitive eating princess who can swallow down 72oz of juicy meat in less than three minutes. “Eh,” said Pamela Anderson.

Molly Schuyler has only been competitive eating for a little over a year, but the 34-year-old mother of four from Bellevue, Nebraska has already eaten her way to title after title after title. Wiki says that Molly started off her competitive eating career by being the first woman to swallow down the Stellanator (a sandwich which is made up of six hamburger patties, six eggs, six pieces of cheese and six pieces of bacon topped with fried onions, jalapeños, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, two buns, mayonnaise and nearly a jar of peanut butter). Since then Molly has won the Sinful Burger’s “Goliath” Challenge in Nebraska, the Pig Wings Challenge at Starsky’s in Nebraska and she’s won the Adam Emmenecker Challenge (which involves eating a 5 pound barbecue meal ) three times. She’s won a bunch of other challenges too and I was going to list them here, but when I started to type them out my stomach throbbed and it felt like my bowels were going to fall out of my ass. I’m usually into that feeling, but it’s way too early and I’m way too sober for that.

Last week, Molly sashayed into Sayler’s Old Country Kitchen in Portland, Oregon and signed up for their steak eating challenge. They put a 72 oz steak in front of Molly and gave her an hour to eat the whole thing. Beating the challenge gets you a free meal (it should get you a free colonic and free meds to kill the obese tapeworm living in your body, but whatever). 1,903 people have taken the challenge and only 579 have beat it. The world record was 6 minutes and 48 seconds and Molly destroyed that shit by eating all that meat in under 3 minutes. Um, can somebody please tell Lady CaCa to put on her old meat dress and lie down in front of Molly. Tell her it’ll be her greatest performance art piece.

At a different eating challenge, Molly told KPTV that she was just born with a gift for shoving disgusting, unnatural amounts of food into her mouth without exploding, “(It’s) an unexplained phenomenon; I was just born that way. I started doing this about a year ago, and I guess it’s like a stupid human trick.”

Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas will always be the only competitive eatin’ queen in my heart, but there’s something about watching a woman who weighs about as much as an ant’s fart destroying a massive amount of meat with her mouth. It’s some Atkins on roids shit. I’m disgusted, I’m offended, I’m turned on and I’m impressed.

And my first thought after seeing her shove an entire cow into her eating hole was, “Bitch, are you gonna finish those fries?

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